Thoughts of Death

As someone who has dealt with depression, loneliness, misery, and yes, even suicidal thoughts, for over half my life, I've gotta say....a lot of the things that are said and proliferated about depression and suicide really bother me.

For one thing, NOT everyone who is depressed, or even deals with LONG-term depression as I have, is "mentally ill". NOT everyone who has ever wanted to die, or to kill themselves, felt so because they "couldn't help it", because they had some chemical imbalance or mental "disease".

YES, some people genuinely have that, and it's awful. But NOT everyone who suffers these things does. Sometimes? Sometimes life just fucking sucks. Sometimes, the world is a cold, harsh, lonely, and shitty place to live, and the experience if LIVING in it, makes you so miserable, that you see no other way out of the perpetual hell, than to die. That isn't ALWAYS just some psychological issue. Sometimes, you're just hurting that much, and you want it to stop.

NOT everyone who has ever found themselves teetering on the edge of suicide, found themselves there because of "mental illness", or because they "couldn't help it". Just because that is the case for SOME people, does not make it the case for ALL people. And this notion that "suicide is just the final symptom of the disease called depression", is such an absurd, condescending statement that it actually makes me want to punch someone in the face.

AS someone who has very much wanted to die, at times BADLY, countless times in my life, I find it dismissive, insulting, and diminishing of what I was feeling and what brought me there to that place, to claim that my depression and my pain were "mental illness", I just "couldn't help it", and thoughts of suicide were a "symptom". No, thoughts of suicide were me NOT wanting to be miserable, hurting, and alone anymore.

And yes, suicide was 100% a CHOICE. Want to know how I know that? Because ultimately, I CHOSE not to kill myself. Weather it was being too chicken shit to do it, or some deeper part of me simply realizing that "Hey, look, if you go out like this, then your death will mean exactly what your life has: nothing. If you take your own life, alone, for nothing, your life WILL have been a lonely, pointless failure, just as you fear it already is, and you will have proven yourself right, that your life is worthless and not worth living." I don't want that for myself. I HATE being alone, and miserable, and sad, and angry, and depressed. It's gross, and if you've never truly BEEN there, you have absolutely no idea just how dark, and cold, and scary a place that is to actually be.

I told a friend once, when talking to me about the concept of "Hell", that I know "Hell". I know what it's like, because I've lived it, in some ways STILL live it, every day of my life, for well over half my life. I know "Hell", because, as I put it, it's a state of being, not some mythical place you go. When you're lonely, and angry, and frustrated, and hurting, and depressed, and miserable in your life? That is "Hell". There is no better or more apt way to describe it. And these are things that I usually don't talk to most people about, because quite frankly, it's not any of anyone's business, unless I choose it to be. And frankly, most people don't deserve to hear it.

But I choose to talk about it today, just like I've CHOSEN, countless times in my life now, NOT to kill myself, even though I was right back there, teetering on the edge of the good ol', familiar gaping Abyss. I full well realize that for SOME people, depression IS something that is a mental illness, and for SOME people, perhaps, JUST perhaps, though I still don't agree with the idea, suicidal thoughts are indeed just some "symptom" they can't help. But that STILL doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, suicide, like almost everything ELSE in life, is a Choice.

There is a hell of a lot to be said for the concept of "Mind Over Matter". The concept that the Power of your Will, is ultimately stronger than a lot of things life can dish out at you, yes even many illnesses. This pervading notion in modern psychiatry that people are essentially helpless victims of the things they suffer, and that they truly have no choice, unless of course they're paying for therapy or expensive medication. And while for SOME people, suicide may well be spurred on by some psychological malady that they have no control over, for a lot of OTHER people who have killed themselves in this world, or even simply HAD the feeling of "I want to die" ever in their life? You don't need to be mentally ill for that. You just have to be miserable, pushed that far, and see no other way out. It's not rocket science. It's just a shitty, dark reality of life for some people.

I know this, because I've lived it. And this notion that "Suicide ISN'T selfish", I'm sorry, is not only wrong in my view, it's also damn irresponsible. Why? Because even FOR those that are genuinely suffering from some kind of mental illness that is spurring on their depression, the reality, the TRUTH is, that yes, suicide is STILL a choice. 99% of the time in life, the tired cliche "I had no choice", is flat out wrong. You ALWAYS have a choice. The choices may not all be appealing or preferable, but you STILL always have a choice, in almost any situation you're facing.

And that includes killing yourself. So yes, I'm sorry, it may be a painful thing to hear, for those who have considered or even attempted suicide, as well as those who have suffered the suicidal death of someone close to them, but suicide IS a selfish CHOICE that people make. There is no two ways about it, as far as I'm concerned. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've told myself that "If I die or disappear tomorrow, no one I know will truly care, and my death would not really affect anyone I know, because no one I know honestly cares for me all that much." The bottom line was, I was trying to convince myself that if I killed myself, it wouldn't hurt anyone that I knew, that the only person I would be hurting was ME, except even THAT wasn't true, because I would be "Freeing myself from the pain of life". Which, you know, there IS some truth to that. But at the same time, how do I know that the few people in my life, WOULDN'T be hurt by my suicide? How do I know that there isn't at least even ONE person out there who knows me, who would not only be hurt, but permanently affected by my choosing to end my own life?

The truth is, I DON'T know that. Which means, that like ALL suicide, hell, like a LOT of depression, it is a very selfish head-space to be in. Why? Because you're not thinking about ANYONE else but you. You're focused on your pain, your loneliness, your misery, whatever. It's 100% about you. And trust me when I tell you, deep depression, the kind where you are SO low you actually think about wanting to die? That's some serious shit. And you can talk yourself into all kinds of stupid shit, whether it's actually true or not. Things like "my family wouldn't care if I died" or "the people in my life would be better off with me gone", etc. When you're in that head-space, you can and WILL tell yourself anything and everything you need to hear, to convince yourself that it would, essentially, be OKAY to kill yourself. That it's NOT going to really hurt anyone else, that it might even HELP them or be "better" for them somehow. THAT is what being in that head-space is like.

And this is not about shaming anyone. This is not about dismissing the seriousness and severity of depression and suicide. TRUST me on that. I don't personally know a single soul who knows living with pain and loneliness and anger, and just being trapped in your own headspace, wrapped up in your own misery, where ALL you want to see is that Darkness, than I have. There was a time, when I was on a home school field trip, at the age of 17, to go to Yosemite National Park. We climbed up Half Dome, to the top, and were hanging out, resting, and there I was, standing at the edge, looking over. And while the people around me, kids, families, even a couple of my own friends, were all just chilling out and having a good time, do you want to know what I was doing? I was thinking about jumping off. I was thinking about getting a running start, and leaping straight off to my death, because in my own words "I'll never have a better way to go, and I'll never be any closer to feeling like I'm flying".

I gave no real thought, in that moment where I was really considering it, to how it would ruin those families' day, or week, or month. I gave no thought to how it might scar those poor kids for life, even. I certainly gave no thought to how it might hurt my friends, because remember, they won't really miss me too bad, they'll get over it, and their lives will likely be better without me around. And all of that? That was SELFISH. It was me, wrapped up in my own pain and despair, which I usually kept all to myself, both because I didn't want to bother people with it, and because in many cases, people just didn't understand, or didn't want to hear it (because it's hard to hear, or deal with). But there it is. In that moment, I was only thinking of myself, and how I wanted to end MY pain, practically romanticizing Death, and seeing it as some grand release from all of this. I didn't think one bit, about all that it might do to the other people there, who would see someone kill themselves. Or to my friends who actually knew me. Or to the fun, innocent weekend everyone was having, that would be utterly destroyed because some teenager in pain thought it would be romantic, and ideal, to jump off of Half Dome.

There was a time that I actually considered killing myself in the kitchen of my first real job, with a knife. I gave no thought to how that would affect my co-workers, some of whom I got somewhat close with. How it would ruin their day, their week, perhaps the rest of their lives, to come in and find a dead body in a pool of blood in their work break-room. I gave no thought to how it might hurt or affect anyone but myself. Because, again, suicidal thoughts, and the act itself, ARE SELFISH.

There are so many other countless stories I could tell, of times I thought of dying, or trying to convince myself that no one really cares about me, and that my death would be just as unnoticed and meaningless as my life is. You try to convince yourself of the dumbest fucking horseshit when you're hurting and depressed. But like I said, anything and everything you have to tell yourself, to make it "ok" to do the deed. And for some people, is that the result of mental illness? Sure it is. But that doesn't mean that's the case for everyone. And that CERTAINLY doesn't mean that suicide is something that we, as survivors of it, or survivors of someone else who DID it, can't get mad at. Can't feel hurt by. Can't hate with all our hearts. Because guess what? Other people have that right too.

I KNOW only too well how horrible and awful living with pain and loneliness and depression really is. Because those things have been old friends of mine since I was at least 16 years old, perhaps in some respects even younger. I have not had, to be blunt, a very good or easy or happy life. It has been full of hardship, and pain, and many other very unpleasant things. I have more often than not felt isolated, alone, angry, and hurting, somewhere down deep. But in spite of all of that, I'm STILL here. Because I have made the CHOICE to be here, even in spite of how much it sucks.

And as I've said before, IF I had love in my life, IF I had the wife and children, the family, that I've craved and dreamed of since I was literally a little boy. Things that to this day I believe at my core, even in spite of how broken I am inside, how broken life has LEFT me inside, that they would make  me as close to happy as I am capable of being. And IF I had that love in my life, no matter HOW broken and hurting I might still BE inside, I would never desire, let alone CHOOSE suicide. Because here's the reality: perhaps on some level, I've been right in the past, up till now. I have "no one" in my life, I have no wife, no kids, no family. If I killed myself tomorrow, there is a VERY very small handful of people that would probably affect, and who knows how much. But they would, in all likelihood, even if it did hurt them, find a way to move on. It would STILL be selfish of me, but less so. But if I had a wife and kids? Or even JUST a wife? And to kill myself THEN? My God. How fucking self-involved, self-absorbed and how much of an outright colossal, callous DICK would I be, to hurt her THAT much? To do THAT to her?

Because THAT is the reality of suicide. For the person who killed themselves, it's over. It's done. It's sad, but they're gone now. And whatever comes after, IF anything comes after, well all of that is going to sort itself out whether you want it to or not. But just like ANY kind of death, what matters once the death has occurred is NOT the dead. They are gone. What matters are the LIVING, who are left behind. Period. And with respect to that, yes, when you have people who LOVE you, even NEED you, in your life, and you kill yourself? That was a selfish choice. The ULTIMATE selfish choice. Because you were only thinking of yourself. If I were to do that to my wife, my kids, were I to have them, it would destroy their whole world, it would flip everything upside down, and they would be permanently hurt and scarred from that, for the rest of their lives. How absolutely self-centered do you have to be, in THAT selfish of a state of mind, to willingly hurt people you claim to love and care about, THAT much?

Yes, there is something to be said for mental illness, and being in THAT much pain and "not being in your right mind". I know a bit about that too, whether I consider my depression "mental illness" or not. And as I said earlier, NO one should be shamed, while they're still alive and hurting, about feeling like they want to die. This isn't ABOUT shame. But it IS about being honest, and telling ourselves the Truth. The TRUTH about suicide. It is not some "final symptom" of depression. It is an ultimate and final act, that we DECIDE on, that we CHOOSE, no matter what frame of mind we're in.

Yes, people who are depressed and hurting DO need help. They absolutely need help, if nothing else just in the form of people who will stick with them, and stand by them no matter what, while they weather their own private storm, their own private hell. Depression and THAT kind of emotional pain, it's hard as FUCK to live with, especially for a very long time. And I have every bit of sympathy and empathy for people who are suffering with it, because I KNOW exactly what it's like. But even so, I'm sorry, but don't even TRY to tell me, that suicide isn't a choice. That it ISN'T selfish. Because it absolutely is.

It is entirely possible, to be sensitive and empathetic to someone's pain and despair, and the sensitive, very dark and very real nature of depression and suicide. And to STILL also not sugar coat shit, and not try to tip-toe around the unpleasantness, and outright EVIL of it, at its core. Let's be honest about what this shit is, and what it MEANS, not just for the people suffering it, but for those people in their LIVES as well.

Love, REAL love, is when you care about someone else, MORE than you care about yourself. And believe me when I tell you, I KNOW what it's like to feel like you aren't loved, that you've NEVER truly tasted love. I know what it's like to feel like you don't really have anyone. And that's a shitty, empty, scary place to be. I know, I live there, and have pretty much all of my life. So in that frame of mind especially, it's easy to convince yourself no one cares, and that your death will mean nothing, and hurt no one. But again, IF I finally had that love that I crave, that I NEED, in my life? I would never, COULD never do that to them, even if I hurt inside for the rest of my days. Why? Because they would matter far more to me than I would to myself. My love for THEM, would mean far more to me than my own selfish pain and brokenness. I would literally choose to live for them, because even if I'm somehow incapable of ever being TRULY happy, they damn sure would make me as close to that as I could possibly get. I would want to live as long as I could, as a matter of fact, to get as much time with them as I possibly could, and that means that much more coming from someone who has lived the better part of 40 years of life feeling utterly alone. And I CERTAINLY, would not ever make that selfish choice, to end my life, to hurt them and smash their lives apart like that. For what? So my pain can end? And I can leave them with the sadistic, selfish "gift" of lifelong pain because of what I chose to do instead?

I know this is a very touchy topic, and my blunt views on it seem to rub some people the wrong way. But I still feel like these are things that need to be said, that I have to say. Even if only a few people read them. Depression and thoughts of suicide are SUPER serious, and deserve to be treated and taken so. But that doesn't mean we coddle people who are in that space, or make suicide out to be some tragic, unavoidable thing some people just couldn't escape. Because that is incredibly untrue. AS someone who has dealt with depression and thoughts of death for over half my life, I refuse to believe that suicide is something some people "just can't help, that they had no choice". I'm sorry, but bullshit.

If you've made it this far, and find yourself disagreeing with what I've said, or let's say I've even upset you, well, I apologize. Not for my earnest, from the heart thoughts and feelings on the matter. But sorry you were upset, because that wasn't my intent, or for whatever reasons simply could not see my point of view. However, I do hope that the things I've said, harsh or not, blunt or not, have reached or spoken to SOMEONE. Because these are thoughts and feelings from a survivor, from one who knows exactly what it's like to be there, to feel that. These words are coming from a good place, at least to me. I am a firm believer in personal responsibility, and the power of choice and will. We are free agents, and life is a series of choices we make, moment to moment, day after day. And that doesn't change, whether you're miserable, or genuinely suffering mental illness. You still have a choice.

I think that should be an empowering message. I think people should realize that, embrace it, and spread it. Yes, we need to be there for people and try to help them out of their Darkness. But the truth is, NO one can fully pull you out of that Darkness for you. Everyone has to ultimately choose to lift themselves out of it. Depression is a valley that each of us navigates alone. It absolutely helps, and is perhaps even integral, to have people there to listen to us, to just be there, to be around, to lend their strength, or moral support, or whatever. But it's STILL a solo journey, and a very hard, shitty one. 

But I think the message of "Mind Over Matter" is important. Don't tell people they can't help it. Tell people they CAN help it. Tell them they always DO have a choice, and don't HAVE to die. There CAN, and SHOULD be a tomorrow for them, and they can CHOOSE to wake up tomorrow and greet it. The power of choice, personal choice in our moment to moment lives, is the ONLY power we as humans actually possess. And I think that should be an incredible source of inspiration. On the one hand, realize that by killing yourself, you are selfishly hurting those who care about you, perhaps permanently. Why would you want that? And on the OTHER hand, what could possibly be more powerful, more uplifting, than the knowledge that you always hold within you the power to CHOOSE for yourself. You don't have to let despair and pain and death beat you. Those things don't OWN you, and you owe them nothing. They are not your master, you are theirs, and you can defeat them, day after day, by CHOOSING to live, in spite of everything. You can give yourself the chance at a better tomorrow, by choosing tomorrow for yourself.

Just some food for thought....