Friday, October 20, 2017

The Other Side of the Coin





Another part of this #MeToo conversation that really needs to be discussed, even though I'm certain it's not popular to do so, is that while it is 100% right about victims fearing to come forward about harassment or assault, or being shamed or shut down when they try to. And that SHOULDN'T happen, none of it. When a woman is harassed or assaulted, and she comes forward about it, if it legit happened, there isn't a reason on this Earth that she SHOULDN'T be believed, and supported. But the OTHER side of that coin, is False Accusation. And it isn't just a male problem, it happens to women too. But it's still a reality, and it's still a serious problem, when you as a person are accused of something you absolutely DIDN'T do, and YOU are not believed. Sometimes even by friends or family, people who are supposed to "know" you and trust you. Having people close to you doubt you, because of someone else's word, is both terrifying, and heartbreaking. There are few lonelier feelings in the world than that, just as I'm sure it is an incredibly lonely feeling trying to report something that DID happen, and people ignoring or disbelieving you. 

It may be a minority experience, but false accusation also DOES happen, and it shouldn't be attacked or dismissed as if it doesn't, or as if it isn't an issue. I've known guys it has happened to, from minor stuff such as my ex claiming that my friend grabbed her ass when he didn't (and believe me, I grilled him about it, angrily, assuming she was right). To major stuff, like a former acquaintance being accused of straight up attempting to rape a girl, which could have ruined his life, even though it didn't happen. Or the time that a friend's demented ex, when he was once downtown with her drunk off her ass, got pissed at him for something, and literally starting yelling at told some random dude to call the police, that the friend was "assaulting" her. My friend just walked away and left her ass after that, and came to my house (naturally) to vent about it. And worse yet, when she later showed up passed out drunk on MY porch, I practically begged him to just let me do the right thing, and call the cops on HER drunk, abusive ass, and he refused to let me do so.

Or even myself, one of my best friends had a former fiance, who claimed that while he was out of the room, I was flirting with her (absolutely not). Or another time, that another friend's former GF, literally physically pulled me off balance so that I would fall into her against a wall, and then she "jokingly" accused me of grabbing her boob, even though I 100% didn't. And that situation immediately got the result I think she wanted: he got pissed at me, instantly, without even stopping to think that he knew me better than he knew her, and KNEW I wasn't the kind of guy who would do that to ANY random woman, let alone someone's GF (whom I had zero attraction to and frankly couldn't stand).

The friend instantly got angry, and threw something at me without taking stock of the situation, and I (rightly) told him to get the fuck out of my house. And I don't think she was one bit bothered by the fact that her deliberate "joking" false accusation, right in front of my face, right in front of HIS face, temporarily ruined our friendship (I didn't hear from him for months, until he had broken up with her, and then finally apologized and admitted he knew I wouldn't have done that). In fact, I think she did it because she would have found it "amusing" if we had started fighting like cavemen over nothing. A healthy clue was the fact that she was smirking and laughing, until the point that I told them to get the fuck out of my house.

Make no mistake, bringing this up is NOT in any way shape or form, detracting from or changing the subject from the sad and sickening reality of women (and men) dealing with harassment and assault. HOWEVER, false accusations shouldn't happen any more than harassment or assault should. One is far more prevalent, and that IS NOT an argument, obviously. But false accusations DO still happen sometimes, by people who assume they will be believed and the other will obviously be assumed to be guilty, with little defense or "proof" that you DIDN'T do it. 

It all depends on context, situation, and the individuals involved, obviously. But it DOES happen, and as a guy myself, that is a scary reality and concern that I have to be aware of, and afraid of. I do not make a practice of sexually harassing or assaulting anyone. But I HAVE been accused of the former, at the very least, and know those who have been accused of the latter. And one of the common bits of advice to men on the receiving end of such treatment is often "well don't be dumb enough to put yourself in situations where you could BE accused of anything". The problem with that, quite frankly, is that it is JUST as bad advice, and JUST as shitty a thing to say to someone, as is victim shaming, telling the victim of harassment or assault to "not put yourself in that situation" or "don't go asking for it". There is NO such thing as "asking for it", in either case, whether it be harassment/assault, or being falsely accused of such. In either case, the perpetrator is the one who makes the CHOICE to be a human shitbag, and try to hurt the other person.

That is the reality, the other side of the coin. And people need to be just as aware, and just as sensitive to it, because it can, in many ways, be just as awful and terrifying to be on the receiving end of accusations of abuse, as it is to be on the receiving end of abuse itself.

No comments:

Post a Comment